jaimelita;;

there is NO COMPARiSON u fucking fag!!

2010-06-16T18:42:00.000-04:00

so this fucker had the nerve to tell me the other nite after he'd asked me what was wrong with me and I'd let him know how much I was honestly missing my ex, the father of my 3 girls, that it was the same as him wanting his ex back even though he knew itd been over for months that he still missed her and ofcourse still wanted her but it is what it is. This was his response when Id kinda broke down a little bit and admitted that I just wish he'd come back that I'd made my life with him and it would all be easier if he was here. I must of looked at him like he was retarded as I quickly wiped my eyes and changed the subject.
So u fucked some 19 year old slut with a rich OC problem for 2 months and u think that compares to living with and having 3 kids for 7 fucking years with someone? Is he for real?
I can get over it or not get over it either way even though he is absent in our lives now doesn't mean that he's not going to at some point in the next lifetime be apart of atleast my childrens lives let alone mine. Really dude its not the same thing. The feelings the same yes but children maturity and history make a difference. He sits on this bitches fb while ON MY FUCKING COMPUTER and she doesn't even talk to him and he had the nerve to just now tell me I shouldn't mobily peruse Johnnys families facebooks because that's right Johnny doesn't have one I don't have his number I don't know where he is or lives! Again not the same thing my dude.

I really wish u would shut the fuck up keep ur comments to urself or seriously go elsewhere. Why are u always here all up in my buisness? No I don't want to cook for u or share my weed nigga get your fucking OWN!

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

2010-06-12T20:34:00.001-04:00

Meghan Brinson
Fragrant Inferno

Divorce Poem

you said you were done with yelling and told me to be good.
A woman like me is not good.

good is a sorry kind of third-rate glory.

when I left I went out
into the desert, and I loved it.
it was red sand, it was shouting, it howled.

now it is quiet as salt, quiet as a bruise
and I think about the days when I loved your slapped face,
your scratched neck, and I rubbed you all over
with nettles
so you would never stop itching.

man of dust
man of fire

I am still a piece of dry wood
under this skin smooth as a blue scale
and my hair rustles, hisses
who will set me on fire?

why are you so hateful? I loved
the image you were made in, the image that can only say
its own name over and over and tries to make everything look like itself

desert, goddess of emptiness—take as much
as you want and shape it in your mouth
go ahead
name everything after yourself

I am wild for a burning of what you call will
come for me in the holy
red chaos
that your god is
choking on

2010-06-12T20:28:00.000-04:00

Cupid and the Party Dress
by Cassie Sparkman

Psyche in a party dress, sidewalk traffic leaving

Room around the yellow skirt, it is bright broad

Day and her face a portrait of the night before—

She keens, her mouth open, the sound horribly

Beautiful, she will kill herself with sadness

In a party dress—sidewalk traffic leaving

Room around the yellow skirt, room for me but

My wings will not respond, my breath will hold

All day, amazed at her face, portrait of night's moon—

I will fly away, find some witless beast, drop him

Before her—I will watch her mouth round, helpless

When my arrow splits her party dress, bloods

The sidewalk—Is this Love?  I cannot leave nor

Bear to stay, I swear my heart's flesh bleeds, floods

All of day but her bright portrait face from my sight—

I am captured, helpless; I sink an arrow deep

Into my chest, my hands the bow—she looks at me,

Spins her party dress, clears the sidewalk for my falling

Into day, her face a portrait of my ever-after nights

Lies.

2010-05-12T09:31:00.001-04:00

on another note I'm kinda sick and tired of my girlfriends lying to me about dumb shit: like dumb shit, little things : bitches I do favors for u all the time and I know how to read word for word and not at lines and sentences that don't exist popping off my head idiots and the other one just too fucking lazy to do one fucking thing its just easier to lie -- see if he bit back would u be more inclined? Fuck yous only being there when ya'll need something, we'll see who's there next time when u have no money, ciggarettes the green green I see how it is! Shit, if he were my man, ya'll act even more cunterrific I bet, all up in our shit in the beggining but when it goes sour where ya'll at? Oh ya'll remembered ur own boyfriends, baby daddys, fuck friends and I don't matter. I see how it is, but I did this last year right no one cared then but atleast I did it! Stop complaining and left his grimey ass! Where were you two? Ready to be single right u stupid bitches I fucking love u but ur shady baby, straight gravy the ladys a whore she's crazzzy!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

fucking.up.

2010-05-12T09:00:00.001-04:00

so he threw me a bone; a big enough bone that I only took a taste before I decided it was a good thing

Should of chewed a little harder; dug a lil' deeper,
asked a few more questions;
Stopped listening to my heart:

why couldn't I hear my head screaming no, no, no?

why on earth if I didn't put up with this from the girls' dad would I even consider this from someone else who doesn't want to be with me no less?

I'm lying to myself, I just want my no life, no drama, boring life back, I want my house back, my kids playroom, I want my wii back, I want my heart back, and my self worth, I want this feeling in the pit of my stomach gone, I want to know I'm not walking on eggshells, but mostly I just want to backtrack a week or so and I want him to see me for the phenomenal woman I am but maybe the truth was there all along -- I was never not good enough I was more then enough. Me and my kids, everything I bring to the table is more then u can imagine in your minuscule Chelsea existence: I am the girl who walked away, the woman who wants to kick ur ass out in the rain right now but I don't because above all I am a good person and I won't, but u knew that, he knew that: he's counting on that to save him.

*if a silver convertible sebring with a bleach blonde orange tanned junkie slut picks u up from my house today, please take all your shit with you: just leave my heart at the door, I might need that, cause even if I can't help but give up on u, I can't give up on love; love exists and despite the pain emaciating my body: I STiLL BELiEVE!*

.... Jocelyn never gives up: so neither will I ....
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Huh

2010-04-24T15:40:00.001-04:00

that kinda bothers me ... but its whatever, I will chalk it up to a computer communication error sweets.

some girls are strange. but its Chelsea, what the fuck else would I expect.

they're sweet as sugar when they want something, its just figuring out what it is the really want and the interim of thinking someones ur friend when they're probably not that bothers me.

I am writing this in my head in some ghetto gutter terminology and I still can't decide if I like the way my nigga rolls off my tongue like an adlib I'd always asserted ..

Nothing new. B, I know where I am.
I don't have neighbors man, that's why they call it the hood*
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

my birthday wishlist***

2010-03-25T14:35:00.002-04:00

a few suggestions if you're wondering what i'd like for my 26th birthday coming up April 11th....

this personalized with "jaimelita" please

some other cute engravable charms can be found here as well though id prefer the first for a necklace...

a definate must is either 10k white gold or nickel free doorknocker earrings in the bamboo style, meaning BIG, so please make them clasp, i dont want any with backs, they will fall out and i'll just have to add them to my collection of mismatched earrings, lol.

if you're thinking clothes, i'm loving all this right now....

but i'd need some shoes like these to go with, and for summer anyways....

as for handbags go, a black coach in the hobo style from the lynnway would be forever loved....

thanks.

i grant u life.

2010-03-02T13:06:00.000-05:00

im never looking for a boyfriend
just trying to scratch an old flame,
but ur always looking for that girlfriend
me having kids was never part of the plan
so u took up with that chick down at the studio
she takes the pipe well and supports ur kickgame
so u can support ur dope habit
it takes a big man to pay for his drugs all on his own
still livin' in ur mommas basement, but we'll all admit ur step up
from sleeping in brokedown cars
but what u said right there, that night, that moment
i think u may of took it too far
im not one to say ive never said things i didn't mean
or to cast blame on someone else for a choice i made on my own
i am the absolute hopeless romantic
ask anyone but u already know this urself
the absentness of my presence, the loss of my love
did not make ur drub habit present itself seven years ago
the reasons were already there
the carelessness, the hurt, the betrayal was already rooted in the soul of ur being
in ur mothers basement
with our happy faces in chuck - e- cheese potraits plastered amidst slim shady upon ur teenaged wall
i made choices, u made urs too
me and their dad made choices
and no, ofcourse they didn't include u
but i wouldnt of choose another life for myself
and i cant say after the truth finally hit my kitchen floor
did it sound like u werent so unhappy with ur own
if u thought i left out something i don't think there is much left to say
i hope u check out of the game before it eats u alive
u were only lying to urself thinking u could of done a better job

"we will have ugly babies with pretty feet." -- June 2003, from the turquoise book, a direct quote

how strange my beautiful children are with each of them displaying their fathers slow right toe.

jamiedrastik

2010-02-18T09:49:00.002-05:00

Visit Jamie Drastik For Free

formspring.me

2010-02-16T13:34:00.001-05:00

If you could master one skill what would it be?

to get the courage to go perform my poetry somewhere, already got the skill just cant ever get it off my dyslexic tonque unless i got a lil' henny in me...

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-02-16T13:30:00.001-05:00

how many kids do u actually have?

3 all girls ages 11 months, 2 1/2 years, and 4 years....and yeah they all have the same dad....

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-02-16T13:29:00.001-05:00

What TV show makes you laugh the loudest?

dont watch much but i was died all thru Jersey shore.....lol.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-02-16T13:28:00.001-05:00

!!!! http://formspring.me/jaimelita

What The F**k Live

2010-01-31T23:21:00.001-05:00

2010-01-31T22:45:00.000-05:00

2010-01-31T17:47:00.000-05:00

can't believe this shit.

2010-01-21T09:20:00.002-05:00

View Wreck Rider
at newenglandhiphop.com

2009-12-29T16:25:00.000-05:00

For Johnny: Without you at Christmastime

2009-12-23T18:44:00.001-05:00

We used to fuss when the landlord dissed us
No heat,
wonder why Christmas missed us
Birthdays was the worst days
Now we sip champagne when we thirst-ay

Uh, damn right I like the life I live
'Cause I went from negative to positive
And it's all... (It's all good)..
and if you don't know, now you know, nigga, uhUh, uh...and if you don't know, now you know, nigga
Uh...and if you don't know, now you know, nigga
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

mgid:uma:videolist:mtv.com:1627937

2009-12-18T12:34:00.000-05:00

mgid:uma:videolist:mtv.com:1627937

Step #1

2009-12-18T11:21:00.000-05:00

if Senias asthma isn't a good enough reason, nothing else is. I have to quit. I will quit.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

....

2009-12-14T19:46:00.001-05:00

she's transfixed on the thrill of the ride

2009-12-14T08:34:00.000-05:00

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

around 9 this morning

2009-12-11T15:30:00.000-05:00

and it looked how it looks now within the next hour
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

never straight

2009-12-11T15:26:00.000-05:00

apparently straighteners won't work on her hair ... so, gorgeous curls it is! Hahaha I love my Senia, even when she baby powders the whole bathroom ... Haha not funny really

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Keep iT movin

2009-12-11T14:40:00.001-05:00

Hells yeah; if I wasn't high I'd blow my brains out -- asshole.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Wreck Rider - Damn

2009-12-11T10:34:00.001-05:00

waiting room

2009-12-10T11:00:00.001-05:00

BESTOWED iN FAREWELL
Tu Mu*

She is slender and elegant and not yet
Fourteen, beautiful as the tips of the
Cardamum buds in early spring.
Although the wind may blow the
Whole length of the Road of Courtesans,
When they roll up their beaded blinds
There is none to be compared to her.

She has so much passion...
Yet tonight it would seem as if she had none.
Although we are drinking for the last time
She fails to force a smile.
But the wax candles seem to understand
And sorrow at our parting; they play
Our parts for us and they weep
Till early dawn.

--Soame Jenyns

Chinese Love Lyrics*
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

by the vein that I keep on closing

2009-12-09T08:42:00.001-05:00

..Keep it up -- I really need to cut it out EVERYtiME I'm mad or upset I call this bitch and take it out on her -- I guess I don't care what they say; I'm in love with him, I don't know what to do: my heart is crippled by the vein that I keep on closing and I keep keep bleeding love.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

IMG01200.jpg

2009-12-05T17:47:00.000-05:00

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Hot like mexico Rejoice

2009-12-03T21:43:00.000-05:00

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numb

2009-12-02T21:50:00.001-05:00

i don't understand how she could act like that. that was crazy; off the charts--drama queen style, unnecessary; oblivious; showstopping -- but I guess it runs in the family, who can blame her?
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Fw: December 5th 2009*

2009-11-30T23:43:00.001-05:00

One years old - R.I.P. Baby <3
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

exhausted

2009-11-30T13:54:00.001-05:00

cut short I'm exhausted what a morning; today was not the day; todays definately not over ... I'm only doing this before I end up putting my face down at the kitchen table while the baby naps before I have to go down to the girls school and have Jocelyns progress report meeting...oh how I wish I had a car and some balls cause then it would include so much more but I'm not supermom I can't fucking call this guy and I can't even deal but no one gets it -- I wish E would call me back or even I'd could get a new "friend" like her like Jacklyn was -- now Jackie was one of them ride or die go hard or go home social workers; she used to let me smoke ciggarettes out her busted up yellow volkswagen buggy with the perpetual broken sideview mirror, she never realized how much I lovedddd riding with her in her car doing everything and anything, any place I needed to go there was the coolest chick I knew with her crazy anecdotes on helping me get my life better Number one ofcourse being get rid of their loser dad, now I finally did it and she's not here, I wonder if she knows how much she helped me and how much I wish E would just fucking call me back and I don't wanna be a pest but damn are u on vacation cause I'm not - did u hear my message or was it too crazy for you? There.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

02150

2009-11-30T08:51:00.001-05:00

I gotta call this guy about this apartment. Find out if I'm sayonara see you later out of here but I'm so fucking anxious ... Stupid, right?
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

she admits it

2009-11-29T20:11:00.001-05:00

I miss seeing him around. I miss that he was always there I miss that he bothered me I miss that I couldn't stand him I miss that I knew him better than anyone else I miss that he would lie and tell me he loved me I miss that I thought he'd never leave me alone and now more then anything I miss him because he did he leave and I totally took advantage of the thought thatd hed always be around. I know somewhere inside me I loved him. I loved who Fernando brought out in me but I hated the power he held. I hate that I still miss him I hate walking past his moms everyday and that he's not standing there waiting for me anymore I hate that he's not a phonecall away even though he is, now its just a really far phone call away. I could always depend on him he was so predictable and also so unattainable I'm mad at him for what he did I could never forgive him for hurting me again but sometimes most times I really really just miss talking to my best fucking friend. Its lonely here without u babe.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

aggravated

2009-11-29T19:55:00.001-05:00

Apparently that's what AGGY means via text..k I got it so can u tell I'm on my phone I promise u from now on imma end up blogging like I'm txting and be totally grammatically incorrect with ghetto slang no punctuation interpretation of phuwha bookahkah which I'm fluent in according to some skanks No that's not funny that means -- "She said, She don't want no problems? Well, hunny, I'm just trying to solve them." yeaahhhh ok ok ok -- that goes out to them hating ass bitches and u know who the fuck u are; keep that nigga, I don't want him!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

2009-11-29T16:24:00.000-05:00

2009-11-29T16:22:00.000-05:00

this mornings status

2009-11-29T13:37:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Lady Gaga; how original I was in my efforts...

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

GoBackHere

2009-11-29T13:32:00.000-05:00

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

TestingwithWHAT

2009-11-29T13:24:00.000-05:00

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Lupe Fiasco - The Best Of Lupe Fiasco (unreleased And B-sides) Mixtape Hosted by DJ Coutz @ DatPiff.com

2009-11-27T22:10:00.000-05:00

Lupe Fiasco - The Best Of Lupe Fiasco (unreleased And B-sides) Mixtape Hosted by DJ Coutz @ DatPiff.com

2009-11-27T21:54:00.001-05:00

....now ill never find the pieces of my heart....

Girl Get Over Him Mixtape Hosted by D.J. Smooches,Dictator D.J.'s @ DatPiff.com

2009-11-27T20:44:00.000-05:00

Various Artists - Girl Get Over Him Mixtape Hosted by D.J. Smooches,Dictator D.J.'s @ DatPiff.com

my blogger code--->?

2009-11-27T20:32:00.001-05:00

B9 d- t k s u+ f+ i++ o++ x- e++ l+ c--

JUST DREAMS-->WISHLIST

2009-11-26T13:52:00.000-05:00

soooooooo fucking want these headphones for Christmas!!!!!! but i know thats a pipe dream....these will definately do tough...maybe to go with this? yup, thats a pipe dream but a hope for the move!!!!

and what is this???? yeah someone get me something! lol!

this bookkkkkk=L.O.V.E. i mean, honestly a great NEW read like this would only make sense and what do u mean someone else wrote it already! LOL!

hahaha = great pics with these!

2009-11-26T08:10:00.000-05:00

yup, call me on the telly; no txting today guys my hands will be busying making fooooood! enjoy ur turkey day! i know i will! <3

intro

2009-11-25T09:11:00.001-05:00

2009-11-25T08:48:00.001-05:00

so when i finally dye my bella swan inspired hairdo next week maybe i will dream of opening up these Christmas morning? LOL!!! BiG dreams! ..yeah, yeah, chickwithguns.....

wtf***

2009-11-09T16:57:00.000-05:00

so what do u do?
*um, i take care of my 3 kids ;/
k, guess u can buy that drink urslef with my taxes right?

*this is a basic interpretation of any guy i don't know what to say to and or even want to...

at this point im fine and content on just being left alone
with my big bad self and all my "issues"

i made such strides in the last week:
i have secured a new home for my children, its not gorgeous, but its the space (1350 square feet!!) and the price and location i need....i know some might think chelsea is a set back, i see it as a stepping stone to the future...bunker hill is right down the street, north suffolk around the corner, johannas daycare around the other and the girls can be transported to theirs back here in eastie....and ofcourse my parents will be so much closer. if everything pans out as planned, i will be in there by january 1st and able to start school at the end of january : u know the whole 5 year plan... so i did it, im doing it, the kids practically have all their big christmass presents just a few smaller things can be picked up in the next few weeks, just gotta stay focused.....and shit will get done.
i don't have nor need anyone to help me or make me want to do great things with my life, other then my unbelievable children, so the fact that i see no man in the forseeable future is kinda a relief; i kust dont have the time for it and basically can't be bothered to pursue or feel anything anymore.

letting fernando back in my life, i know now was a mistake, im not mad or bitter if anything i hope for the best for him, he was right-- why make it work with me and my kids and he could just suck it and do the same with his, i never loved him and he knew that, i told him enough i didn't and he never understood me or my dreams, not even my music, yeah he got the kid thing but there are better out there that sure as hell wouldn't mooch of them like him. so im happy hes gone, and ofcourse i just feel nothing when it comes to their dad anymore, absolutely nothing...sometimes i miss him, i worry about him, i wonder about him, but it passes so instantly that i can't even fathom the first thought in the first place. he is not in my future so he can't be counted......random guys call me, text me, hot me on online, my response is nwutral, i don't care for it i see no connection; and its not because im holding out for that re-connection with rider i just don't really want to pretend somethings there when its not. i miss him alot and i think about him but enough that i believe i am okay with it now. i tell myself and the people around me that i wish id met him now and knew the things i know now about dating and relationships but life is life and it happens when it happens..

i watched Definately, Maybe the other nite, and id put off watching that for quite sometime, the description gave it no props as i thought it was a thumbs up single dad movie no but it was exactly what i needed. you love who you love when you love them and WHEN the time is right you will be together and even if that love spans decades of numerous relationships, in the end that great love never dies; my love lives on in my writing, in my music, in my daughters' eyes and i believe as i always have that i will find love agian someday. i am pretty happy for the most part, i can curb my tongue and my temper and ive learned to be the person i am striving to become; everything is falling into place.... just hope god can throw me a sign WHEN that WHEN comes and i promise ill let u breathe it too.

awesome.

2009-07-10T12:06:00.000-04:00

Has anyone made you feel like crap lately?
people have annoyed me but i don't let anyone make me feel like crap.

Do you have a condom in your room?
yup.

What are you wearing tomorrow?
clothes!

If you were in the hospital, would the last person you kissed be there?
i dunno. he wasn't when i needed him recently but i don't plan on that happening again so i really don't know how to answer that.

How did you wake up this morning?
"mommy, the sun is up, its wake up time!"

Do you like Chinese food?
sooo wanted it last nite but didn't...

Would you rather have roommates or live alone?
i have 3 kids....

How can people tell if your in a bad mood?
i am a cunt.

Has someone put their arm around you in the past five days?
yeah.

What are you about to do?
nothing. waiting for my next appointment at 1pm.

Do you know any of your neighbors?
yup.

Has anyone ever bought you a ring?
yes. they are in the jewelery box where they belong. worthless tokens of a love gone wrong. my girls can have them someday.

Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with?
ike

The last person you kissed needs you at 3 AM, would you go?
i would try my hardest to have t watch the kids but unfortunately if he needed me he knows he'd probably have to come here.

What do you hear right now?
"i'm awesome."

Will tomorrow be better than today?
everyday is a good day.

Do you trust all your friends?
not all of them

What are you freakishly obsessed with?
music.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
yeah he really does.

Is there any chance you will kiss the person you have feelings for?
i count the hours until i can do it again. <3

Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
gotta fix my hair for that.

Is there a night you would like to put on repeat, and live it forever?
if i had one wish, that'd be it.

Have you ever dated someone older than you?
my bd was 9 years older but i swear he acted like he was 9 years younger.

Which is harder, telling someone you love them or that you don't?
that u love them.

Who was the first person you talked to today on the phone?
today started at 12:00am. I was talking to ike.

Last person who hugged you?
senia.

How many windows are open on your computer?
this and myspace.

What are you doing after this?
i said i was waiting for my appointment.

Where did you buy the shirt you are wearing?
i think a.j. wright.

Are you a loud person?
when i drink.

Did you go to sleep last night smiling?
yeah. ofcourse.

What makes you happy in life?
my kids always, my mom, my friends, him.

How's your mood?
i'm ok. a litle worried but it's ok.

Do you believe that everyone has a soulmate?
i do. it just all depends when u find them and when ur paths tend to intersect.

What's your current problem?
my stomach is doing somersaults, i'm being dumb.

Baseball or football?
neither really if u wanna know the truth.

Have you ever cried in front of a friend?
too many times.

Are you cold, warm or just right at the moment?
just right.

Are you mad/frustrated at anyone right now?
no.

Why did you last cry?
i refused to admit to something i didn't say. i just wasn't gonna do that and it straight bothered me that someone might actually believe i could of said or done that.

Do you take any medication on a daily basis?
yup.

Have you ever faked sick?
no.

Anything good happening tomorrow?
not sure yet.

What hoodie did you wear last?
ike's.

Would you rather go back a week or go forward a week?
forward but last week on today was perfect.

Are you in a good mood right now?
yeah.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
talking to ike on the phone, feeding the baby.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to not have taste buds?
no...

Is Verizon really better than AT&T?
iphones are fuckking hot is all i can say.

Do you ever wonder if the person standing next to you is a virgin or not?
um, shes 4 months old. hello.

Have you played with a cardboard box?
not lately.

Do you ever ride those unreliable rides at summer fairs?
nah.

If I could go through your computer right now, what would I find?
lots of music and lots of unublished pictures, letters, poems.

What is the top thing you want to do before you die?
know that someone loves me (other then my kids)

Do you still eat at McDonald's?
not anymore.

How much money do you make at your job?
haha.

What's the last truck you rode in?
my aunt's?

If you could listen to one song for the rest of your life what would it be?
baby don't cry.

If your favorite candy fell in a mud puddle, would you eat it?
no. but senia might.

Do you ever wonder what it would have been like to be on the Titanic?
i used to. but that was a fucked up period in my life.

Abusive relationship; leave him/her or keep it a secret?
i kept it a secret to long so now his ass is whofuckingcares and i'm straight with anything like that ever happening again.

Would you ever try out for American Idol?
nah.

Did you vote for Obama?
i wanted, but it was too late to register.

Can money buy happiness?
ur a retard if u think it does.

CONSTANT

2009-07-08T14:10:00.000-04:00

Change, shit
I guess change is good for any of us
Whatever it take for any of y'all niggaz to get up out the hood
Shit, I'm wit cha, I ain't mad at cha
Got nuttin but love for ya, do your thing boy

Yeah, all the homies that I ain't talk to in a while
I'ma send this one out for y'all, knahmean?
Cause I ain't mad at cha
Heard y'all tearin up shit out there, kickin up dust
Givin a motherfucker, heheheheheh
Yeah, niggaz

Cause I ain't mad at cha

Now we was once two niggaz of the same kind
Quick to holla at a hoochie with the same line
You was just a little smaller but you still roller
Got stretched to Y.A. and hit the hood swoll
Member when you had a jheri curl didn't quite learn
On the block, witcha glock, trippin off sherm
Collect calls to the till, sayin how ya changed
Oh you a Muslim now, no more dope game
Heard you might be comin home, just got bail
Wanna go to the Mosque, don't wanna chase tail
I seems I lost my little homie he's a changed man
Hit the pen and now no sinnin is the game plan
When I talk about money all you see is the struggle
When I tell you I'm livin large you tell me it's trouble
Congratulation on the weddin, I hope your wife know
She got a playa for life, and that's no bullshitin
I know we grew apart, you probably don't remember
I used to fiend for your sister, but never went up in her
And I can see us after school, we'd BOMB
on the first motherfucker with the wrong shit on
Now the whole shit's changed, and we don't even kick it
Got a big money scheme, and you ain't even with it
Hmm, knew in my heart you was the same motherfucker bad
Go toe to toe when it's time for roll you got a brother's back
And I can't even trip, cause I'm just laughin at cha
You tryin hard to maintain, then go head
cause I ain't mad at cha
(Hmm, I ain't mad at cha)

I ain't, mad, at cha (I ain't mad at cha)
I ain't, mad, at cha

We used to be like distant cousins, fightin, playin dozens
Whole neighborhood buzzin, knowin, that we wasn't
Used to catch us on the roof or behind the stairs
I'm gettin blitzed and I reminsce on all the times we shared
Besides bumpin n grindin wasn't nothin on our mind
In time we learned to live a life of crime
Rewind us back, to a time was much too young to know
I caught a felony lovin the way the guns blow
And even though we seperated, you said that you'd wait
Don't give nobody no coochie while I be locked up state
I kiss my Mama goodbye, and wipe the tears from her lonely eyes
Said I'll return but I gotta fight the fate's arrived
Don't shed a tear, cause Mama I ain't happy here
I'm through trial, no more smiles, for a couple years
They got me goin mad, I'm knockin busters on they backs
in my cell, thinkin, "Hell, I know one day I'll be back"
As soon as I touch down
I told my girl I'll be there, so prepare, to get fucked down
The homies wanna kick it, but I'm just laughin at cha
Cause yous a down ass bitch, and I ain't mad at cha

I ain't, mad, at cha (I ain't mad at cha)
I ain't, mad, at cha (A true down ass bitch, and I ain't mad at cha)

Well guess who's movin up, this nigga's ballin now
Bitches be callin to get it, hookers keep fallin down
He went from nuttin to lots, ten carots to rock
Went from a nobody nigga to the big, man on the block
He's Mister local celebrity, addicted to move a key
Most hated by enemy, escape in the Luxury
See, first you was our nigga but you made it, so the choice is made
Now we gotta slay you why you faded, in the younger days
So full of pain while the weapons blaze
Gettin so high off that bomb hopin we make it, to the better days
Cause crime pays, and in time, you'll find a rhyme'll blaze
You'll feel the fire from the niggaz in my younger days
So many changed on me, so many tried to plot
That I keep a glock beside my head, when will it stop?
Til God return me to my essence
Cause even as a adolescents, I refuse to be a convalescent

So many questions, and they ask me if I'm still down
I moved up out of the ghetto, so I ain't real now?
They got so much to say, but I'm just laughin at cha
You niggaz just don't know, but I ain't mad at cha

I ain't, mad at cha (and I ain't mad at cha)
Iiiiiiiii ain't mad (hell nah I ain't mad at cha) at cha
I ain't, mad at cha (and I ain't mad at cha)
I ain't, mad at cha (I ain't mad at cha)
I ain't, mad at cha, noooo
I ain't mad at chaaaaahhhhhhhh

"i KEEP PUSHiNG WHEN iT'S TiME TO GRiND; SORTiNG THROUGH THE OTHER SHiT THAT'S ON MY MiND; AND i KNOW, i KNOW THAT IMMA KEEP ON MOViN'"--wreckrider

listen to my boy

i'm one happy bitch and i hope it don't eat u up inside; 'cause i ain't mad at ya...don't have enough energy for that kinda emotion...i don't need negative energy infiltrating my constant rotation." HAHAHA.

playlist of 06'

2009-05-05T21:13:00.000-04:00

"Where'd You Go?"

Where'd you go?

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever,

That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"

I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,

And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,

But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,

So, I want you to know

it's a little fucked up,

That I'm stuck here waitin',

at times debatin',<--

Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,

Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever,

That you've been gone.

Where'd you go?

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever,

That you've been gone,

Please come back home...

----->You know the place where you used to live,

Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs,

Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,

But now, you only stop by every once and a while,

Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,

With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,

I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,

And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,<---

That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',

Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,

Me and the rest of the family here

singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever,

That you've been gone.

Where'd you go?

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever,

That you've been gone,

Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,

That I'm stuck here waitin',

no longer debatin',

Tired of sittin' and hatin' and

makin' these excuses,

[For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,]

It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,

I guess I've had it with you and your career,

-->When you come back I won't be here
and you can sing it...

Where'd you go?

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever,

That you've been gone.

Where'd you go?

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever,

That you've been gone,

Please come back home...

usps sucks

2009-04-23T15:24:00.000-04:00

sometimes the smallest and most simplest things i do for me and my kids are the only things at the end of the day i can be happy about.
things like, paying the cable bill or knowing i already mailed my rent.
things like clicking buy on an ebay auction for 2 pairs of disney princess rollerskates for my daughters on easter. clicking buy on the first of the month knowing my daughter had already been hounding me all through march for them and i kept telling her to be good for the easter bunny.

so u can imagine how pissed i was when they didn't come by easter or that for the last 2 weeks i've told my daughter different reasons why they weren't here (the easter bunny is still looking for them) and through correspondance with the seller i finally find out this morning that they were delivered the day BEFORE Easter. But I don't have them:
SO TO THE ASSHOLE IN CHELSEA MA THAT STOLE MY KIDS PACKAGE FROM MY MOMS STEPS ON GROVE STREET FFFFUCCCK YOUUUUUUU!
U better hope i don't see some kids rolling down the street in them....they'll be replaced trust me but the fact that my kids didn't have them when they should've just unnerves me.

and to top it off heres the kicker:
conviently above all things my landlord never got my money order!
are u fucking kidding me?
yup i'll believe stealing shit happens on Grove but in Peabody: PUH-LEASE!
i don't know what the fuck happened to that envelope but if he wants that money that i can not replace for him he better get of his ass and come get my mo receipt and track it 'cause i don't wanna hear it.

i do everything i need to do and its never right.
i can call a doctor everyday for a week begging for an appointment or to be transferred but no return call. just leave me here pulling my hair out please.

but i do nothing. i'm useless, i'm worthless...

no i know u never said that; it's just how i fucking feel and why shouldn't i?

ALLLL i NEED<333

2009-04-06T19:25:00.000-04:00

Rugged style, it's enough to make a hardrock smile
Ha ha ha, cheeba cheeba y'all
Cheeba cheeba y'all, and you don't stop
Yeah yeah, cootie in the chair
Cheeba cheeba y'all, and you don't stop
Yeah yeah, cootie in the -- check Tical

You're all, I need
(Lie together, cry together, I swear to God I hope we fuckin die
together)
to get by, ahhhhh
You're all, I need
(Lie together, cry together, I swear to God I hope we fuckin die
together)
to get by, ahhhhh

Shorty I'm there for you anytime you need me
For real girl, it's me in your world, believe me
Nuttin make a man feel better than a woman
Queen with a crown that be down for whatever
There are few things that's forever, my lady
We can make war or make babies
Back when I was nothin
You made a brother feel like he was somethin
That's why I'm with you to this day boo no frontin
Even when the skies were gray
You would rub me on my back and say "Baby it'll be okay"
Now that's real to a brother like me baby
Never ever give my cootie away and keep it tight aight
And I'ma walk these dogs so we can live
In a fat ass crib with thousands of kids

Word life you don't need a ring to be my wife

Just be there for me and I'ma make sure we
Be livin in the effin lap of luxury
I'm realizing that you didn't have to funk wit me
But you did, now I'm going all out kid
And I got mad love to give, you my nigga

You're all, I need
(Lie together, cry together, I swear to God I hope we fuckin die
together)
to get by, ahhhhh
You're all, I need
(Lie together, cry together, I swear to God I hope we fuckin die
together)
to get by, ahhhhh

Like sweet morning dew
I took one look at you
And it was plain to see
You were my destiny
With you I'll spend my time
I'll dedicate my life
I'll sacrifice for you
Dedicate my life for you

I got a love jonz for your body and your skin tone
Five minutes alone I'm already on the bone
Plus I love the fact you got a mind of your own
No need to shop around you got the good stuff at home
Even if I'm locked up North you in the world
Wrapped in three-fourths of cloth never showin your stuff off,
boo
It be true me for you that's how it is
I be your Noah, you be my Wiz
I'm your Mister, you my Mrs. with hugs and kisses
Valentine cards and birthday wishes? Please
Be on another level of planning, of understanding
the bond between man and woman, and child
The highest elevation, cuz we above
All that romance crap, just show your love

You're all, I need
(Lie together, cry together, I swear to God I hope we fuckin die
together)
to get by, ahhhhh
You're all, I need
(Lie together, cry together, I swear to God I hope we fuckin die
together)
to get by, ahhhhh

You're all, I need
(Lie together, cry together, I swear to God I hope we fuckin die
together)
to get by, ahhhhh
You're all, I need
(Lie together, cry together, I swear to God I hope we fuckin die
together)
to get by, ahhhhh

I'm sick of police
Ha ha ha, cheeba cheeba y'all
And you don't stop
Yeah yeah, cootie in the -- Tical!
Cheeba cheeba y'all, and you don't stop
Yeah yeah, cootie in the chair, Tical!
Cheeba cheeba y'all, and you don't stop
Yeah yeah, cootie in the chair, Tical

&& it hurts don't it?

2009-03-31T17:10:00.000-04:00

beautiful girl
by POE

Someone's gotta hear this...
Beautiful girl,

You must've been a beautiful baby too
Beautiful woman,
You must've had your moments inside the sun
Beautiful girl
Beautiful stranger--->

Why do you have to walk with your head hung low?
Beautiful girl

Your eyes are mockingbirds inside a guilded cage
Your life's a silent movie that I haven't heard for ages
Tell me everything, someone's gotta hear this:
beautiful thing<-----

Beautiful mother, frozen in ice

I've waiting for you to grow for my whole life
Beautiful girl
Your eyes are mockingbirds inside a guilded cage
Your life's a silent movie that I haven't heard for ages
Tell me everything, someone's gotta hear this

Beautiful thing (so beautiful)

we ride

2009-03-25T13:58:00.000-04:00

Ride when we ride we ride
It's 'til the day that we die
When we ride we ride
It's 'til the day that we die

It's real late
'Bout a quarter to one
Thinking about everything
We become
And I hate it
I thought we could make it
But I'm ready to jet this
Just wanna forget about it
I saw her pictures
And the letters she sent
You had me thinking
You were out we your friends
I'm so foolish
Play me like I'm stupid
'Cause I thought it was just you and I

Now I look back on the time
That we spent and
I see it in my mind
Playing over and over again
'Cause boy right now
You got me breaking down
And I just can't figure out why
But this is what you say

Ride when we ride we ride
It's 'til the day that we die
When we ride we ride
It's 'til the day that we die

Visions in my mind
Of the day that we met
You showed me things
That I'll never forget
Took me swimming
In the ocean
You had my head up in the clouds
Made me feel like I'm floating
[You think I'm playing]
When you know it's the truth
Nobody else can do it
Quite like I do
All my kisses
And my loving
But ain't nobody
Better than us

Now I look back on the time
That we spent and
I see it in my mind
Playing over and over again
'Cause boy right now
You got me breaking down
And I just can't figure out why
But this is what you say

Ride when we ride we ride
It's 'til the day that we die
When we ride we ride
It's 'til the day that we die

Ride when we ride we ride
It's 'til the day that we die
When we ride we ride
It's 'til the day that we die

I guess it's over
Indefinitely
But you and I know
It's not that easy
To let go
Of everything (everything) that we planned
And start all over again
Just blame yourself cause you blew it
I won't forget how you do it
Sweet baby
This is where the game ends now
Somehow wanna believe you and me
We can figure it out

Ride when we ride we ride
It's 'til the day that we die
When we ride we ride
It's 'til the day that we die

You finna make me say boy
I wish that you come hold me
When I'm lonely
When I need someone to talk to
You would phone me
Just like everything you told me
(when we ride we ride it's 'til the day that we die)
Boy you forgot about the promises
You made me
And now we'll let the memories
Just fade away
But I remember
What you used to say
(when we ride we ride it's 'til the day that we die)

Ride when we ride we ride
It's 'til the day that we die
When we ride we ride
It's 'til the day that we die

We ride

energy

2009-03-06T14:51:00.000-05:00

I wish i could rip out a page of my memory cause i put to much energy im him and me, can't wait till i get through this faze cause it's killin me to bad we can't rewrite our own history

Such a mystery,
When he's here with me,
It's hard to believe I'm still lonely,
Chances fadin' now,
Patience runnin' out,
This ain't how it's supposed to be.

I'm havin' nightmares from sleepin' with the enemy, (enemy) (no no)
How do we reverse the chemistry? (chemistry)
I don't want us to be the end of me
This love is takin' all of my energy, (energy)
Energy, (energy)
My energy, (energy)
Takin' all of my energy, (energy)
Energy, (energy)
My energy, (energy)
Takin' all of (my energy).

Seems only like yesterday, (day)
Not even gravity could keep your feet off the ground when you're with me, (you're with me)
How can two be as one? have become so divided now?
There's no use hidin' from misery, (no).

Such a mystery,
When he's here with me,
It's hard to believe I'm still lonely,
Chances fadin' now,
Patience runnin' out,
This ain't how it's supposed to be.

I'm havin' nightmares from sleepin' with the enemy, (enemy) (oh ohh)
How do we reverse the chemistry? (chemistry) (how do we)
I don't want us to be end of me (me yeah)
This love is takin' all of my energy, (energy) (all of my energy)
Energy, (energy)
My energy, (energy)
Takin' all of my energy, (energy)
Energy, (energy)
My energy, (energy)
Taking all of...

Now I can feel you changin me
and I can't afford to slip much further
from the person I was meant to be

I'm not afraid to walk alone
not giving up but moving on
before it gets to deep
cause your taking all of my energy

I'm havin' nightmares from sleepin' with the enemy, (enemy)
How do we reverse the chemistry? (chemistry)
I don't want us to be the enemy,
This love is takin' all of my energy (energy) (all of my energy).

I'm havin' nightmares from sleepin' with the enemy, (enemy)
How do we reverse the chemistry? (chemistry)
I don't want us to be the end of me,
This love is takin' all of my energy, (energy)
Energy, (energy)
My energy, (energy)
Takin' all of my energy, (energy)
Energy, (energy)
My energy, (energy) (takin' all of me)
Takin' all of...

You're killin me ,
You're takin' all of me, yeah, oh ohh.

(This love is takin' all of my energy.)

things are good right now.
i know eventually someone's gonna come along and fuck it up.
someone always does....

2009-02-02T21:15:00.001-05:00

2009-02-02T21:13:00.001-05:00

2009-02-02T20:58:00.001-05:00

Anniversary Tickers

2009-02-02T20:52:00.001-05:00

Pregnancy Tickers

2009-02-02T20:50:00.001-05:00

Romantic Snow Globes by WiddlyTinks.com

2009-02-02T20:48:00.000-05:00

My Family from WiddlyTinks.com

2009-02-02T20:41:00.001-05:00

Pregnancy Tickers

liars

2009-01-16T09:15:00.000-05:00

I love how everyone is constantly putting him down and me at the same time for accepting his lies when in reality all they do is lie themself about anything and everything. And no, why the fuck would I call u out about it when I usually can't even be bothered to confront him. do u think i care that much, cuz' i really fucking don't. i just think it sucks, considering that i am a very honest person myself, a horrible liar if i ever even try. why do people feel the need to feed me stories? whats the point, because seriously i could care less either way what ur telling me, its none of my buisness, but please don't pretend ur life is something its not, thats not u it never will be, i wish to god for both of u u did lead these lives because i know ya'll wish u did, but what the hell is so wrong with the truth? it could never make me love any of u less, it would actually make me feel better in knowing the truth so i could see things from a true perspective for once. so do me a favor for now on, if ur gonna do it urself, don't put me down for accepting what i do from him and don't EVER think for even half a second that it's ok to lie to me even because u know i accept it from him, it doesn't make any of it right and the reality is none of u people made my kids with me and u may wanna believe that u help me soooo much whens he awol or lalala but seriously u don't so don't jade urself in ever thinking u do. what i accept from a man that i have loved and cherished the last 6 years of my life is not the same as what i can accept from the people i CHOOSE to surround myself with. ur better then that and u know it, so basically cut the bullshit and ur conscience will feel so much better, believe me.

paranoid freaks

2009-01-07T22:14:00.000-05:00

it almost saddens me a little to know that u still talk to these people that seem to be deadset on reaking havoc in my life. i can't tell u not too; they are ur family after all. but it makes me wonder what kind of people they truly are to harass and stalk a pregnant woman, a woman who has stood by u for 6 years carried 3 of ur children already, lost one and is carrying one again. where were they i ask u, when u needed them most? and where are they now with everyone u have going on? they seem to just make things worse for you and i. and i know its not u behind it, i know it in my heart because i see how much it hurts u too even see me go through this. but it just hurts all the same. i know they want me to lose this baby, i'm not stupid and neither are u. but may the grace of god prevail, i am ridden with constant contractions still only 30 weeks along, in and out of labor and delivery constantly on machines and then being pulled into court and dreading opening my myspace to not have to read some other horribly atrocious message from these people. why can't they just let me live my life? i don't bother them, i don't have the time or the effort nor a care in the world to do such things. how immature are all of them and spiteful at that to being going on and on so falsely so about me. why do u bother to listen or even tell me for that matter if u say u do not care what they think? i remember times when we were so happy...it's funny how they weren't in our lives then. coincidence, no. i have never asked u to chose anyone for me, ever: no child, lover, friend, family member or other, i have only just believed in u to do the right thing. in hindsight maybe that was wrong of me. maybe i should of put my foot down a long time ago but i just don't have the strength to do it now. in time, justice shall be served, i know this. it is all in gods hands now: what anyone chooses to do is beyond my say so, i just need to look out for me and our kids. i love u, always have always will. i only ask u this: see it for what it is. pure unadultered jealousy. i am not quick to judge people, and i don't do it that often but something happened to make these odd people do these things to me, something i am clearly blind too. are u too? or do u know something i don't?

i ♥ u

2008-12-31T23:05:00.002-05:00

thank u for the last few days. i love u.

wrongway

2008-12-16T23:36:00.000-05:00

no matter what, it seems i am always wrong.
every small step i take is never noticed, everything i do that makes the smallest amount of difference to me and my kids seems nonexistent to the people around me. small steps, thats all i can take.
but no one appreciates or even notices the little things i may do.
so whats the point, really?
i notice, i know.
i know somewhere in all of this, somehow i am making little steps of progress.
and even if all can say at the end of the day is today i stood up for myself, or today i took out the trash, or today i got jocelyn to school on time or today i cleaned, or today i put on some makeup, no matter what as long as i can say today i survived and i am still alive and my kids are safe, well then i guess it was a good day.
i have things i am thankful for, but mostly i am thankful that i can somehow manage, inspite of this overiding pain burning up inside me.
like i said, i will survive, i will go on, i will move on.
all in baby steps, little steps...one day at a time.
so give me some credit where credit is do.
i'm getting kinda sick of everything being blown up in my face.
i take responsibility.
i know what i did wrong, and i know that because i accepted for as long as i did made it even worse and it not only hurt me, but it hurt my kids more. i lost a life because of it. i lost a hope, and now that god gave me a second chance, man, i know i have to do the right thing now.
no more chances, no more i'm sorries, i have to just move on and live now for them, not me and what i want. or what i think i want for that matter.
i promise u i will love them enough for us both just please, don't come back. its hard enough as it is, i will never move on with u keep butting in and i will never forgive myself everytime i keep giving myself to you and its just gonna get worse.
respect me, respect that, since u couldn't clearly do what i asked of u just please do that.
and i promise me this time u will be proud to say u loved me when and now. not that it matters what u think because u opinion doesn't count anymore, but regardless i will never let u put me down again.
i will make my life count, i will make my life worth something and i will make my life worth everything to MY children, because they deserve it.
fuck u for not realizing it urslef.

PSYCHOPATH prfft

2008-12-15T14:41:00.000-05:00

my pain is private. u don't get to know how u made me feel.

u lost that option this morning.

so u don't get to know. and now u can sit and wonder.

but you should really wonder what the fuck u did to ur daughters head as she stood there this morning calling ur name down the street...you wonder the fuck about that.

expected phone call

2008-12-13T14:28:00.000-05:00

it was a much an anticipated phone call, caught me by surprise as i thought i would not hear from you for awhile. i had come to that conclusion. so when i heard ur ringtone i was almost shocked. half expecting someone else to be on the other end, someone telling me they'd found the phone somewhere or worse some chick asking me who the fuck i was...but no, it was u.
u and a bunch of lies.
did i know u'd try to suck me in, yeah i knew that much. ofcourse all the "i never left u, i love yous" were nice but do u really think it actually makes a fucking difference anymore? how can i possibly believe anything u say?
and ur excuse for the last weeks is clearly bullshit.
yeah u tugged my heartstrings with the whole, i've only been eating raviolis from a can for weeks line, but regardless it just doesn't add up. and u not showing up when u AGAIN promised u would just proves that u were lying in the first place. maybe u thought i died or something, and u just needed to check, i dunno.
but the tears? were they really neccessary, johnny?
come on, now, u don't feel that bad. 'cause if u did, u wouldn't of done it and ur excuse for that horrid wretched bitch is just stupid. i don't believe u.
not now, not ever, maybe half a second my heart did give way but come off it, u'd be sitting here with me now if everything u said was true and thats the case, but ur not.
i know u cried when u got off the phone, because u couldn't really give me the things u promised, but u know what?
i told u i didn't need any of that, i told u it just wasn't about that anymore.
so i hope u cry when she reads u this:
i'd prefer if maybe from now on, u just don't call.
don't show up, don't drop by, don't even bother thinking about me or the girls and get it straight outta ur mind now that u may ever be a part of our new daughters life 'cause u gotta be damned if u think i'm gonna bring another baby into this world with the false hope that it could depend upon u. i've had enough.
i do however believe one thing u said.
i am better off without u and yes, johnny, me and ur daughters can do sooo very much better. but, thats my choice not urs, u don't get a say what i do or what me and the kids do anymore.
so just stay away. i will be moving soon and u won't find me when i do i promise u and i will only keep these phone numbers for a period of time, though like i said before, i'd prefer if u didn't call anyway. move on, forget about me or rather yet, just fucking die from the pain, i really don't care.
honestly it'd be a lot easier to tell these kids u died that to let them know that u were a deceptional delusional liar and that u had another family out there that u chose over them. i would actually like to just tell them u died...so maybe i will.

last goodbye

2008-12-08T19:34:00.000-05:00

these have been the longest three weeks of my life. not seeing you, not hearing your voice, it gets harder each day. not knowing where u are or even if ur alive, just eats me up inside. and i keep going over and over our last conversation in my head, all those beautiful things you said to me, things you promised me, make it so much harder because i just wanted to believe u so bad. and what makes it worse, is that u didn't just promise me these things, u promised our children too. u told them u were coming home for good, u promised them. how could u just walk away like nothing? how could u leave me here all alone when u knew how down and out i was feeling as it was? and how on top of everything, could you let her of all people, accuse me of such ridiculous things, when above all you promised that would never happen again?
i know in my heart exactly where and when things when wrong with me and u. it was a month or so after we first had Jocelyn, and yes bad things had happened before that, i'd caught u cheating, u'd hit me before but not because i had done something wrong, just because. i know i pushed u away, i know i blamed u for everything: our house above all. i know i didn't want to hold my baby and i left u to care for her while i would sit depressed in another room. i know i made u feel horrible and worthless and i'm sorry for that but i didn't have anyone but u around me and i wish now i had never done that. so maybe thats why u never failed to mention it to me that u had gone and started a new relationship with someone else and never even noticed anything strange until it was far too late. too late to turn back and start over, i was only left to let u walk away because i believed in my heart that u would come back.....and u did. and u can't say that maybe one of our happiest times together wasn't that december because we were and look, we made another beautiful baby in that time but it didn't matter to u as much, shes never mattered to u. and clearly ur actions since i found out i was pregnant a second time have proved as much so. i know thats when u when back to her...u were afraid to stay around so much with police always knocking so what did u do babe? u weaseled my rent money out of me and got us so far behind we were facing an eviction once again. but u did as always find us a place to stay, maybe u lied about how we got there but u got us in the door and that was enough for u. and what did i do? i blamed u again, and again and again. who wanted to live like that? barely making ends meet...not me. not u. and our kids didn't deserve that either. and u just couldn't stop cheating, again and again over and over, always someone new, but always her as well. and when i had our second daughter, yeah u were there and u did what u needed to do but it didn't stop u from walking away for a whole month straight a few days later, i guess u knew what u were in for. but u came back, as always....because u've never been able to completely walk away from me as i to u. when i finally got my own place, i tried to find something that i could call home and as long as i've been here i've only ever wished to wake up beside u like we used to so long ago. and for a time while living here, i know we were in love, i know u were mad when i lost the baby in april. i know u blamed me and i think u hurt more then i did and thats why u were so adament about having this baby i am now carrying. but johnny, don't u know, i never asked u for much. just ur time and love. u thought i wanted the world but how could i ask that of someone i never expected it from? u promised me the world and i never asked for that ever, i only ever wanted u and u know that was always enough for me. so now here i am. 2 babies later and another coming in 3 months answering questions to my children, "why doesn't my daddy love me?" "why doesn't daddy come home?" "why daddy no answer the phone?" they don't deserve that, i don't either and though my self esteem tells me on some level i do. they never asked to be here, and if u didn't want them why didn't u just walk away and stay away, or is that what ur doing now? after all the damage is done and jocelyn's old enough to understand, thats what ur gonna do? why? if only u realized how much i love u. i know, i know. u think ur not good enough for me. and maybe ur not but that doesn't mean i don't love u sooo much. so much sometimes i can't even bare to think about it. i'm young johnny, i'm really young. and now i'm going to have 3 children, alone. thats not fair. thats not fair at all and u know it. i wish i could just hear ur voice, i wish u could tell me one more time that it'll ok, i promise i'll believe u. let me just hear ur voice one more time, let me say goodbye to the only man i've ever loved. please, give me that, please. don't just walk away and not say goodbye. i'm sorry that i need u so much, i'm sorry that i depend upon u and that i put all my problems on u but even though i have friends now it doesn't change that u have been my best and closest friend the longest and not having u here hurts so bad. if i could hold u in my arms one more time, i promise i would never let u go and i guess maybe thats why ur staying away. i just don't understand what i did this time. i gave u the world with no promise of it's return and u just stomped all over my fucking heart.......not to mention ur daughters as well.

first ultrasound

2008-08-18T20:21:00.000-04:00

official

2008-08-18T20:08:00.000-04:00

Ah, angel
Clutch
I miss you girl
I miss you girl
Imma make you my official girl
Listen, today makes it a year
Don't you think it's time that you made it clear
You gotta get on your dibs
Tell me what it ain't or what it is I can handle it
I've had it up to here I don't wanna pressure you dear
I've sent back to back dudes away from my door
Thinking I was spoken for
Not anymore
And I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired
Of being your (Your) Unofficial girl
Unofficial girl
And I'm tired
I'm tired of trying
(Ooh but I'm still your)
I'm still your unofficial girl
(You gotta learn to love me)
You gotta love me in the light and the dark
You gotta give me, give me all of your heart
I wanna be your official girl
Said I wanna wanna wanna be your
(Be your)
Official girl I wanna be your official girl
I wanna be your official girl Official girl
(Official girl)
If you keep this up there's bound to be a mess
cuz I ain't really like the rest
Put to the test I could surely pass
(Yeah) You better do the math
I'm so stylish, so bossy
It'd be ashamed to say you lost me
But if you want that it's a wrap and
I won't look back
(And I won't look back)
And I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired Of being your (Your) Unofficial girl Unofficial girl And I'm tired I'm tired of trying (Ooh) I'm still your unofficial girl
(You gotta learn to love me)
You gotta love me in the light and the dark
You gotta give me, give me
All of your heart
I wanna be your official girl
Said I wanna wanna wanna be your
(Be your) Official girl I wanna be your official girl
I wanna be your official girl Official girl
(Official girl)

I miss you girl
I miss you girl
I'm'a make you my official girl
You better act right
I'm two seconds from being out the door
I miss you girl I miss you girl
I'm'a make you my official girl
Said I won't be with you unofficially anymore
And I can't make you choose
Long as you're cool on knowing you're bout to blow a good thing
And I ain't making ultimatums
I'm'a tell you this verbatim
And I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired Of being your
(Your) Unofficial girl
And I'm tired I'm tired of trying I'm still your (Your) unofficial girl
(You gotta learn to love me)
You gotta love me in the light and the dark
You gotta give me, give me All of your heart I wanna be your official girl Said I wanna wanna wanna be your
(Be your) Official girl I wanna be your official girl I wanna be your official girl Official girl (Official girl)
I miss you girl I miss you girl I'm'a make you my official girl

lovin my girls

2008-07-18T14:03:00.000-04:00

rip

2008-07-16T16:00:00.001-04:00

Nothing ThereA million ultrasonic fragmentsOf black and white and grey,Swirling and merging, formingNondescript patterns on the screen.The search deepens and the panic risesBut determined not to sob or screamMy concentration switches to the ceilingAs the monitor switches off.Tears coat my dull eyes as I continueTo stare. "I'm sorry Mrs Sumner,I'm afraid there's nothing there."Six months of tryingOne week of wonderingAnd four days of worryingIncluded seven hours of hopingThirty six minutes of jokingAnd one fleeting moment of panic.Then, in a instant, it's all over, allgone,All uncertainty removed by advancementsIn medical science.Destined to our horrible fate, togetherWe are taken down the corridor to beSurgically removed from one another.Another embryonic tragedy,A reproductive catastrophe.Breath held, I watch my heartbeatZigzag ever slower as the cold thickLiquid drains the day awayAnd I want to say "No""Let us stay".But I awaken to another day ofemptiness,A terrible deja' vu of unfairnessAnd try to accept the damage as wellas the loss.-Leah Sumner

2008-07-11T15:47:00.001-04:00

2008-07-11T15:45:00.000-04:00

some people

2008-07-11T15:42:00.000-04:00

some people have it worse then me and i wonder why i pity myself so.

asshole

2008-07-10T12:28:00.000-04:00

you always get what u want
but u are hopeless in telling me different

that i am the selfish one
maybe so

i just want to kill every girl that takes a second look at you

whats wrong with that

i do everything for you
and u can't even say you love me before you hang up the phone
cuz u wanna be a motherfucker and show off for everyone
real nice

see if i kiss ur ass when i see u today

watch

but i will. i always do.

you are my sugarbooger;; and boy, i love you so.

jocelynda

2008-07-10T12:26:00.000-04:00

2008-07-09T19:02:00.001-04:00

its too hot for bullshit today.

no sexy me

2008-07-09T13:39:00.000-04:00

its been awhile

2008-07-09T13:33:00.000-04:00

haven't blogged in awhile.

'suppose i've been busy.

yeah, busy finding out i'm pregnant again.

we're happy, it's just gonna be hard.
i haven't told many people.
just close friends and family, and no announcement on myspace yet.

i don't want the drama.

i'm only writing it here because no one cares enough to read this bullcaca here anyways.

jessenia is about to start walking.
she's talking too.

always screaming "daddy, daddy."

figures that'd be her first words!

but he loves it and he loves us and nothing could make me happier.

just kinda pissed i won't be drinking this summer, is all. :(

stupida

2008-06-26T10:43:00.000-04:00

yeah let me just run and round them all up for u so they're standing here in a line when u finally get here,
u dumb shit;;

when u say jump, remember
i don't jump....

(i skip)

don't go

2008-06-25T20:22:00.000-04:00

I’m trying to play cool acting like what you do don’t phase me
Don’t Phase me
Meanwhile im sitting at home
On and on trying to keep myself from going crazy
When im in the house when I think about when I see you out
when I hear about
I want my baby back
Man I thought it would be easy
but its hard for me to let you go
BabyBaby don’t go
Baby don’t (gooo)
Baby don’t (gooo)
Baby don’t (gooo)
Don't Now im better than your ex
Gon be better than your next
Go Baby screwed up
So you better be from tex..as
Cant seem to doubt
That I cleaned her out
Now you dream about
How I turned neemen out
Nothing to scream about
Just back your beamer out
Pack it up in the trunk
Go back to keema house
Cause I can play cool
But I cant play fool
Its options in break up
You ever play pool?
Betta do you
Cause I damn shure does me
And watch ya buzz be is only because me
The wifey husby never was me
I does me
Trust me
I don’t know want another want you
So immda slide
But I got another boo on the sideBaybaay
I’m trying to play cool acting like what you do don’t phase me
Don’t Phase me
Meanwhile im sitting at home
On and on trying to keep myself from going crazy
When im in the house when I think about
when I see you out when I hear about
Baby I want my baby back
Man I thought it would be easy but its hard for me to let you go
Don'tBaby don’t (gooo)
Baby don’t (gooo)
Baby don’t (gooo)
Baby don’t (gooo)
Through the time I been alone
Go Time I spent on phones
Know you aint letting them climb up in my thrown now
Baby that line with the patron had me talking crazy
Its time to come on home now
I talked with some of the barbers‘s
ok to lose your pride over someone you love
Don’t lose someone you love tho over your pride
Stick with your entrée and get over your sides
We break up to make up at Jacobs baby
My parents fought too… im the makeup baby
Wake up baby
Love ‘ll have you open thoughI
mean you seen tom cruise on the oprah show
So I just cant bet on the next hand
Its too much in this pot just to give to the next man
I’m trying to play cool acting like what you do don’t phase me
Don’t Phase me
Meanwhile im sitting at home
On and on trying to keep myself from going crazy
When im in the house when I think about when I see you out
when I hear about
I want my baby backMan I thought it would be easy but its hard for me to let you go
BabyBaby don’t (gooo)
Baby don’t (gooo)
Baby don’t (gooo)
Baby don’t (gooo)
Now if you aint never went through it
Don't You aint really into it
The next scratch ‘ll show you I really been through it
Go Every other day im giving the love away
That’s what yo friend’s sister lil brother ‘ll say
If imma do something it’s the undercover way
When them hatin ass watch dogs look the other way
And others may
Not see that we need eachother
But if we on the same page
We can read eachother
They should learn us
Instead of trying to turn us
and miss smith
We both got the burners UP
If you love ya baby then turn this UP
Then we keep it hot like a thermus cup
Relax
Don’t be trying to perm us up
We already straight
I’m trying to play cool acting like what you do don’t phase me
Don’t Phase me
Meanwhile im sitting at home on and on
trying to keep myself from going crazy
When im in the house when I think about
when I see you out when I hear about
I want my baby back
Man I thought it would be easy but its hard for me to let you go
Baby don’t (gooo)
Baby don’t (gooo)
Baby don’t (gooo)
Baby don’t (gooo)
Man I thought it would be easy but its hard for me to let you go Go

by myself

2008-06-25T20:19:00.000-04:00

i'm in a movement by myself

but i'm a force when we're together;;

baby girl.
you make me better.

you make me better.

wix

2008-06-23T18:51:00.001-04:00

found the coolest website;;
as u can see;;

i can do cool shit, eh?

nanananah

2008-06-23T17:49:00.001-04:00

Wix.com

sexi

2008-06-23T15:22:00.001-04:00

Wix.com

fuckin' apps

2008-06-22T19:36:00.000-04:00

i hate fucking applications on myspace;;
don't mind the comments but just hate the whole application process.

that's why i don't use my facebook; dumbshit

so myspace be more original.

host some codes for these un-original dumb fucks.

anyways, though;; it kinda does pass the time when bored.

hood thang

2008-06-22T17:18:00.001-04:00

by definition

2008-06-22T17:15:00.000-04:00

i'm his;;;

2008-06-22T17:13:00.001-04:00

private

2008-06-22T15:30:00.000-04:00

so i put my new photos on private

i'm sick of people talking shit...
and i do mean you<--

oh man, that i love

fuck you.

you know you love me :)

best day

2008-06-20T21:06:00.000-04:00

best day ever.

we have all agreed upon this.

2008-06-19T09:19:00.000-04:00

wtf.

i feel so stupid.

how could this happen?

summeroheight

2008-06-18T20:23:00.000-04:00

ur gonna get pissed

2008-06-18T20:19:00.000-04:00

jaimelita;;

there is NO COMPARiSON u fucking fag!!

Meghan BrinsonFragrant Inferno

Lies.

fucking.up.

Huh

my birthday wishlist***

i grant u life.

jamiedrastik

formspring.me

formspring.me

formspring.me

formspring.me

What The F**k Live

For Johnny: Without you at Christmastime

mgid:uma:videolist:mtv.com:1627937

Step #1

....

she's transfixed on the thrill of the ride

around 9 this morning

never straight

Keep iT movin

Wreck Rider - Damn

waiting room

by the vein that I keep on closing

IMG01200.jpg

Hot like mexico Rejoice

numb

Fw: December 5th 2009*

exhausted

02150

she admits it

aggravated

this mornings status

GoBackHere

TestingwithWHAT

Lupe Fiasco - The Best Of Lupe Fiasco (unreleased And B-sides) Mixtape Hosted by DJ Coutz @ DatPiff.com

Girl Get Over Him Mixtape Hosted by D.J. Smooches,Dictator D.J.'s @ DatPiff.com

my blogger code--->?

JUST DREAMS-->WISHLIST

intro

wtf***

awesome.

CONSTANT

playlist of 06'

usps sucks

ALLLL i NEED<333

&& it hurts don't it?

we ride

energy

liars

paranoid freaks

i ♥ u

wrongway

PSYCHOPATH prfft

expected phone call

last goodbye

first ultrasound

official

lovin my girls

rip

some people

asshole

jocelynda

no sexy me

its been awhile

stupida

don't go

by myself

wix

nanananah

sexi

fuckin' apps

hood thang

by definition

i'm his;;;

private

best day

summeroheight

ur gonna get pissed

Meghan Brinson
Fragrant Inferno